FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
We are compiling a list of FAQ's.
1. WHAT ARE YOUR STORE HOURS?
Monday 9-7
Tuesday-Saturday 9-7:30
2. WHAT'S YOUR NEAREST CROSS STREET?
We're between Chula Vista and Laguna.
1178 Broadway.
3. DO YOU HAVE ANY EMPTY BOXES? We're moving.
We might have some. Depends upon how many we've generated and how many
have already hit the recycling bin.
4. DO YOU SELL THE WINE SPECTATOR?
No. Giving them money only encourages to do more of what they're
already doing.
5. WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?
In the back of the Wine Tasting Room.
6. CAN WE BRING BACK WHAT WE DON'T USE?
No. All sales are final.
We do not "rent" wine.
When we ask people who want to bring back wine they didn't drink if they'd mind
us selling them wine someone else had returned from a party, they always look at
us sideways and say "Of course not!"
They are usually not able to connect-the-dots on this issue.
7. IS THERE A STARBUCK'S AROUND HERE?
Yes.
Even better, though:
IL PICCOLO CAFE, 1219 Broadway.
8. WHERE CAN I GET A SANDWICH AROUND HERE?
Next door, Bonne Sante, at 1184 Broadway. Try there.
9. CAN I SPEAK TO THE PERSON IN CHARGE OF MAKING THE DECISIONS ABOUT
YOUR LONG DISTANCE TELEPHONE SERVICE?
This one is always by phone.
No.
10. DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THESE WINES RATED BY TODAY'S SAN FRANCISCO
CHRONICLE?
The Chronicle's wine department might be well-intentioned, but their wine
suggestions are limited in scope and they don't do enough "homework. (What
can you say? They claimed there are no "good value" French
wines! What a joke.) Like most publications, The Chronicle devotes
very little money to actually buying wine. They rely on wineries and
importers who need publicity to provide them with bottles, gratis.
How do we know the samples submitted are the same wines available for purchase
by you and me?
11. WHERE'S A GOOD RESTAURANT?
There's Ju-Ban up the street, along with Broadway Prime. Rocca offers
good Italian-styled fare...across the street and up the block. Stella
Alpina is quite good. Ecco and
Il Fornaio are on Lorton, near Burlingame Ave. Bonarda is nice.
Bua Thong is a lovely Thai place up the street... We sometimes get lunch
at Metro down the block...sort of Vietnamese.
12. IS THIS THE WINE STOP?
No. We're the Wine Start.
13. DO YOU HAVE CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR?
Maybe.
14. DO YOU SELL WINE FUTURES?
No. We only sell "pasts" (in bottle).
15. DO YOU GIFT WRAP?
Yes.
16. CAN I BRING IN THE WINE I PURCHASED AT ONE OF YOUR COMPETITORS AND
HAVE YOU GIFT WRAP IT FOR ME?
Are you out of your mind?
17. DO YOU SELL THE AUTO TRADER? HAVE YOU A COPY OF THE RACING
FORM?
No.
18. WHAT TIME IS IT?
Now?
19. CAN I HAVE SOME MATCHES?
This is often asked by people who just purchased cigarettes down the street
at a store which does not provide a book of matches.
20. HOW DO I GET TO SAN FRANCISCO FROM HERE?
Train. Bus. Walk. Drive.
21. HAVE YOU EVER TASTED THIS?
Yes.
22. WHAT'S YOUR WEB SITE?
23. WHERE'S THE NUT MACHINE?
It now resides at Preston's Candies, two doors east of us.
24. WHERE'S YOUR CALIFORNIA WINE?
25. DO YOU HAVE ANY IMPORTED GERMAN/FRENCH/ITALIAN/SPANISH WINES?
Yes. Actually, all our German, French, Italian and Spanish wines are
imported.
Imagine that!
26. DO YOU HAVE ANY COLD WINES?
(I like to ask people if they'd like a particular wine chilled. Then
I'll walk to the wine cooler, which is out of their view, and swap a warm bottle
for the cold one inside. When I return seconds later, many people are
stunned, thinking I somehow "chilled" that very bottle
instantly. "Oh, we have a machine that makes bottles cold." I'll
explain to them.
"Really?" they ask.
"Yes, it's a device called a refrigerator.")
27. CAN I BUY A LOTTO TICKET?
Not here, but try Young's up the street.
28. WHERE'S THE NEAREST LIQUOR STORE?
What's wrong with this one?
29. DO YOU SELL LIQUID PLUMBER?
No, but we do have Jagermeister and Cynar. Those might work. We
did have a Zinfandel called Plungerhead...would that help?
30. "I'M CALLING YOU FROM A CELL PHONE FROM ANOTHER STORE.
CAN YOU TELL ME IF THIS IS A GOOD WINE?"
I have received more than one of these calls. One fellow was offended
when I tried to explain that we offer advice and counsel regarding the wines in
our shop, but that he should ask the people in THAT STORE for information on
their selections.
"But they don't know anything about wine!" he responded.
31. WHERE'S
BOB? HOW'S BOB?
Bob is doing well. If you don't see him, he's either in the tasting
room, having lunch and a snooze in his wagon or it's Monday or Thursday and Bob's not here
on Mondays or Thursdays.
32. DO YOU HAVE EMPTY CHIANTI BOTTLES? WE NEED THOSE
STRAW-COVERED BOTTLES, BUT WE DON'T WANT THE WINE.
We actually DO have fiaschi bottles of Chianti. These, however,
do arrive here with 25.4 ounces of Chianti in them. Most of our customers
seem to prefer buying bottles of wine for the purpose of drinking and enjoying
the contents of the bottle. There are, of course, many wines which seem to
find customers who more appreciate the label than the actual wine inside the
bottle. We will be happy to empty the straw-covered bottles, if you
like. You merely have to pay a 20% surcharge for this service.
32-A. MORE SILLINESS:
|
Good
day,
we
have interest for your wine bottles and we have any questions.
Do
you ship to germany and how much are the shipping costs to germany?
How
is the payment?
We
search for the following empty wine bottles, if you have, send me please
the prices and pictures:
Chateau
Mouton Rothschild 2003
Chateau
Margaux 2003
Chateau
Lafite Rothschild 2003
Chateau
La Mission Haut-Brion 2000 6,0 Litres
Chateau
Clinet 1989 Pomerol
Chateau
Mouton Rothschild 1975 5,0 Litres
Chateau
Mouton Rothschild 1928 1,5 Litres
Chateau
Yquem 1990
Chateau
Angelus 2000
Chateau
Lafite Rothschild 1994
Chateau
Mouton Rothschild 2002 5,0 Litres
Chateau
Mouton Rothschild 1996
Domaine
Romanee Coni "Conti" 1998
Domaine
Romanee Conti "La Tache" 1998
I
hope for your fast answer,
thanks
and best regards
Heike
Germany |
Apparently this individual doesn't drink wine
or completed a stamp collection and now is turning their attention to wine
bottles.
We sent a response saying we'll be happy to "empty" these bottles if
they will pay for the groceries to accompany the lavish feast I will prepare for
some friends.
I am awaiting Heike's response.
33. CAN I EXCHANGE THIS BOTTLE WITH THIS FUNNY THING ON THE TOP FOR ONE
OF YOUR BOTTLES?
Someone came in with a bottle of Kahlua with a "security" device
attached to the top of the bottle. It is supposed to set off an alarm when
it's removed from the grocery store. Check-out clerks remove this for
customers when they're paying for their purchase. A woman asked if we
wouldn't mind swapping her bottle for one of ours!
We probably should have called the cops, but we were so stunned by this request, we
did not quite know what to do apart from saying "no."
34. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS WINE?
Duh.
35. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
TO A WINERY?
Double "duh."
36. WHY DO WINES IN BOTTLES WITH FLAT BOTTOMS DON'T TASTE AS GOOD AS
THOSE IN BOTTLES WITH A PUNT OR INDENTATION?
We judge wine by what's in the glass, not what sort of bottle it comes in...
You might check with your local proctologist about this.
37. DO YOU SHIP WINE?
Yes.
37-A. WOULD YOU SHIP THESE WINES FOR ME? I BOUGHT THEM AT A COSTCO AND
CAN'T TAKE THEM ON THE PLANE.
No.
37-B. CAN YOU PACKAGE WINE FOR US TO TAKE BACK TO ASIA ON THE AIRPLANE?
Yes.
"But we already have the wine...we bought it at Costco."
Please ask them to package your wine for you.
38. CAN I MAKE A RESERVATION FOR A TABLE FOR THIS EVENING? WE'RE
A PARTY OF FOUR AND WANT DINNER.
Huh? It seems our name and phone appear on some internet searches
and people cannot determine this is a wine shop and not a dining
establishment. Someone called asking what time we stop serving and if we
have the "skillet fried chicken" tonight.
39. WHERE ARE YOUR PORT
WINES? I'D LIKE TO SEE THE KIND THAT AREN'T "FORTIFIED," YOU
KNOW, LIKE THE KIND THEY SELL IN EUROPE.
Well, the Port wines we have have all be "fortified" with
brandy, as that stops the fermentation and leaves the wine with unfermented
sugar.
The same lady asked if we had any Spanish Ports, since she'd enjoyed those in
Europe, too.
Spain, of course, doesn't make Port and the Portuguese do not make
"Sherry."
40. DO YOU HAVE A
PARTICULAR GERMAN WINE? IT COMES IN A BLUE BOTTLE. THESE ARE QUITE
RARE HERE, BUT THE BEST GERMAN WINES COME IN BLUE BOTTLES AND THEY KEEP THEM FOR
THEMSELVES AND RARELY EXPORT THEM.
Precisely what mind-altering substances have you ingested?
41. DO YOU CARRY ANY OF XYZ WINERY'S SUCH-AND-SUCH? I CALLED
THE WINERY AND THEY DON'T MAKE THIS SUCH-AND-SUCH WINE, BUT I THOUGHT I'D CALL
YOU TO SEE IF YOU, BY ANY CHANCE, HAD ANY.
Please! No more Martinis for breakfast!
42. EMAIL QUERY:
KEG FOR CONSUMPTION ON THE ISLAND OF MALTA.
Hi
Gerald. I stumbled across your site through Google and was hoping
you might be able to help me. As the subject suggests a friend of
mine is soon to tie the knot so we are hiring a villa in Malta for a
weekend in July to give him one last wild one before he does the mature
thing and actually starts to grow up. For this glorious occasion I was
hoping to surprise him with a keg of beer by the pool on arrival;
unfortunately however, I dont really know any wholesalers or other
suppliers who would do this kind of thing as we dont generally hire
kegs for parties in England. This is where I hope you may help us;
do you offer a service that would be able to supply a keg or do you
happen to know where I might find this sort of company?
Your assistance would be greatly
appreciated as I dont really have many alternative options.
Thank you in advance for your
time I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind Regards
Adrian in London, England |
Uh, have you tried looking for stores,
caterers or brewing companies in, uh, Malta where you're having the party?
That might be more efficient that sending a keg of beer to a bunch of blokes
vacationing on a Mediterranean island thousands of miles from San Francisco.
43. Here's an e-mail we received, posted below as received from the
scholar who sent it.
Dear Customer,
My name is Lionel and i will
like to make an order of some banners, the type of banner i will like to
order from you is the vinyl banner and the size i want is
24"x60",i want the banner to say "Kindom Hall Of Jehova
Witnesses. The color of Background i want is Yellow and the text
to be Red. So can you kindly get me some price for a Quantity of
100 banners and please advise me the Payment method you do accept,
also how long will it take you before getting me those banners for
pickup to be Schedule. Please advise to my email as soon as you
received this email.
Thank You Very Much.
Regards
Lionel |
Since we offer good service, I sent the
fellow several options...
I
have not yet heard back from Lionel...I suspect he's busy in the Kindom.
44.
"Is this wine drinkable?"
As opposed to, what? Were you looking for a "bathing"
wine?
Perhaps something for washing your car?
Wine for your foot bath?
A nice dry white to fill your hot tub?
45. Someone must have seen we have a lot of California wines which
might be considered "hot" (in terms of high alcohol and
sales)...here's the e-mail we received.
Good Day,
I have a number of clients within our network looking for
outdoor furnaces. I was just looking at your site, and I am seeking to work
with one company exclusively.
I'm simply looking to direct my clients to a relevant
site when they're looking for a quality outdoor furnace.
Your site looks like it could make a strong fit for what
they're looking for. Call me today for a demonstration of how we can connect
you to these clients.
I am looking to work with one company as soon as
possible, so I'm hoping the decision maker is available to talk sometime
today. Give me a call at your convenience.
Thanks in advance,
Tim Hunter
949-444-8069
46. "DO YOU SELL MUCH WINE HERE?"
A Napa Valley winery owner was strolling down our block and saw some
bottles in the window. He ambled in, coffee cup in hand, and asked the
question above.
We found this to be an exceedingly silly.
47.
"I would like to know if Mateus is made from just the
flesh of the grapes or does it include the skin and seeds. I am asking this
because the antioxidants needed for health are apparently found in the skin and
seeds."
We bought a bottle of Mateus recently,
just to taste it "for old time's sake." I can understand someone
drinking this "for medicinal purposes," since it didn't offer much
pleasure as an enological "beverage."
48. "I would like to know the full name of a Napa Valley merlot with
art in the name and a simple label. If you know the wine I am inquiring
about, please e-mail the name to me. Thanks. Lisa."
"I'll take Potent Potables for $80, please, Alex."
49. Hello. We are the importers of the wines of Domaine de la ABC (from
France) in the US. and are getting our ducks in a row to begin selling some of
their wines on the Amazon website. I have seen your wonderful photos on your
website and am wondering if you would let us use a few on the Amazon website?
They would be rather small pictures on a tab about the winery itself. I
did not see a place to credit pictures.
I totally understand if you do not wish to do this but you do have some lovely
photos that could help sell the wines.
Best wishes.
M
You're kidding, aren't you?
50. Dear Sales,
I need to buy 24 bottles of Dom Perignon and 24 bottles of Roederer Cristal
Champagne for my father's wedding to my mother. I would need this shipped
immediately and can have the shipping charged to my DHL account. Do you
accept credit cards? Please respond right away as the wedding is coming up
quickly.
Signed,
Joe Bleau.
We must receive a dozen of these inquiries weekly. They rarely are
well-written and usually have numerous misspellings and various grammatical
errors.
I often ask for their shipping address and when they respond I write back
saying
"What a coincidence! My cousin lives in your town and he's offered to
bring your order to you, so we need not worry about DHL or FedEx. He's a
big fan of these Champagnes and he'll be seeing you soon as he wants to meet a
fellow fan of top sparkling wines. He's also a member of your local police
force. Please call me with the credit card number.
Gerald"
51. On Halloween we were phoned by a fellow asking "Do you rent
fog machines?"
This was a most perplexing question...Why would someone be calling a wine
specialty store looking to rent a 'fog machine'?
Well, it seems he phoned a local toy store and a kid there must have looked on
the internet for some local place and since we have "spirits," they
must have figured we might rent fog machines.
Not a ghost of a chance, though.
Sorry.
52. SALES INQUIRIES...
We appreciate the legit inquiries...but we get a dozen of these e-mails each
week from would-be credit card scammers:
Hello Sales,
Good day, do you carry Louis Reodorer Crystal .
Kindly get back to me with the total cost for 24bottles
including tax. I will send you the Credit Card details as
soon as i get these and arrange the pickup as
soon as the payment clears .
Regards,
|
We've periodically responded with something like this:
Dear
___________,
We have a policy mandating customers correctly spell the names of the
wines they wish to purchase.
Since you have failed to do so, you are disqualified from buying this
particular Champagne.
Thanks.
Yours, truly,
Soupy Sales |
Sometimes they will provide their shipping address.
We then are sent a couple of credit card numbers so the charges are not too huge
to set off a warning to the card issuing bank. The thief then thinks they
have scored a victory.
Then they'll receive this sort of reply:
Dear_________________,
Thank you for your order.
Good news!
You won't have to pay for shipping the three cases of Champagne!
My cousin is visiting us on his vacation and he lives in your
town! What a coincidence.
He says he will be happy to deliver the cases of Cristal to your front
door and he's interested to meet a fellow wine aficionado.
The wine should be delivered early next week, depending upon his
schedule. He works 10 hour shifts as a police crime investigator,
so it's difficult to predict precisely when he will be there.
Thanks for your order.
Best wishes,
Sales |
These inquiries come from people attempting to make purchases of luxury
Champagnes using fraudulent credit card numbers.
Sadly, Visa and MasterCard are not terribly interested in preventing charges to
these scammed accounts.
53.
You probably receive these e-mail missives, too. See what you think of our
reply to this one.
| Hello,
My name is Julia
Moorman; I work with the One on One Tracking Ltd, a consulting Firm in
London, UK. We are conducting a standard process investigation involving
a client who shares the same name with you and also the circumstances
surrounding investments made by this client at HSBC Bank Plc.
The HSBC Private
Banking client died intestate and nominated no next of kin to inherit
the title over the investments made with HSBC Bank Plc. The essence of
this communication with you is to request that you provide us
information on three issues:
1-Are you aware of
any relative/relation having the same surname, whose last known contact
address was Madrid, Spain?
2-Are you aware of
any investment of considerable value made by such a person at the HSBC
Bank Plc.?
3-Can you establish
beyond reasonable doubt your eligibility to assume status of next of kin
to the deceased?
It is pertinent
that you inform us ASAP whether or not you are familiar with this
personality that we may put an end to this communication with you and
our inquiries surrounding this personality.
You must appreciate
that we are constrained from providing you with more detailed
information at this point. PLEASE RESPOND BACK TO MY PRIVATE AND DIRECT
EMAIL ADDRESS as soon as possible to afford us the opportunity to close
this investigation.
Thank you for
accommodating our enquiry.
Yours sincerely,
Ms. Julia Moorman
One on One Tracking
Ltd.
For: HSBC Private
Clients.
This is a
confidential message from One on One Tracking Ltd..
*****
Hi Julia,
Wow...that's amazing...
But actually, like Pele, Madonna, Sting and Sade, I do not own a last
name.
People know me simply as "Gerald."
I did have a cousin who was a bull fighter in Spain. He was El
Grande Geraldo and he, too, had no last name...Unless Geraldo was
his last name, El his first and Grande his middle name.
As for establishing eligibility...do you want a blood or stool sample?
The latter would be easier to send, since it's in keeping with the theme
of your inquiry.
Best Wishes,
GERALD
|
54. DO YOU SELL DOM PERIGNON
CHAMPAGNE?
Yes.
DO YOU SELL DOM PERIGNON CHAMPAGNE IN A GIFT BOX?
Yes.
CAN YOU GIVE ME THE GIFT BOX OR CAN I BUY IT FROM YOU WITHOUT THE
CHAMPAGNE? I ALREADY BOUGHT THE CHAMPAGNE AT A GROCERY STORE AND THEY
DIDN'T HAVE IT IN A BOX.
You're a knucklehead, aren't you?
#55.
My name is Mr. Mike Barry I am an FBI foreign agent we
discover your funds the sum of $8.5m, all I need from you now is to provide me your home address and
telephone number
and also let me know how you need your funds, is it cheque or cash? You can call me now for more details:
+234-7054318686
Waiting for your urgent respond
Regard
Mike Barry Hi Mike,
If you're going to pretend to be an FBI agent, you should know the FBI operates in the US.
If you wish to pretend to be a US "foreign" agent, that agency is called the CIA.
Thanks for playing.
I forwarded your telephone number to friends at the CIA. They'll be contacting you shortly.
Maybe you might consider playing The Tooth Fairy or The Easter Bunny? People might find those identities to be more believable.
Best wishes,
GERALD |
#56
Hello,
We're in the process of promoting a website about teen addiction
treatment. Would you be open to the idea of placing a link ad on this
page: http://www.weimax.com/chilean_wines.htm
?
We hope to hear from you soon, so we can discuss rates and other
pertinent details.
Thanks.
Ella Easton |
Huh?
#57
|
Sales,
We come across
your website and we want to know if you can supply us these items.
(1)12Volt 100Ah to
200Ah Sealed lead battery
Battery Specifications * Voltage: 12 Volt *
Capacity Ampere
Hours:100 (@20hr rate)
* Dimensions (L x W x H):
12.01" X 6.60" X 9.25" or more
* Weight: 65 pounds or more
* 12 months of complete warranty and 48 months of pro-rated warranty
* Non Hazardous battery.
Let us know if you
can supply us .
Thank you.
Anderson Moore
Anderson &
Sons Trading
4340
Jearolds Town Road
Our
Reply:
Dear Anderson,
I got a real charge out of your request, thank you so much!
We do feature many energetic bottles of wine and I'm positive some of
these will meet with your approval.
There are some seriously amped up Zinfandels, for example, though we have
some perfectly palatable Pinots which have a much different polarity.
And most of our customers have a low level of resistance to the various
Cabernets in stock, not to mention some of the powerful Syrahs.
Please let me know how we can be of further assistance. The
steady flow of customers today means our supply is being drained.
Thanks.
GERALD |
#58
"I'm looking for a nice, dry Chardonnay."
Where's the
A) Kendall Jackson ??
or
B) Rombauer ??
#59 (An Old Bottle is Found...Is it a
Treasure?)
|
On 3/26/2012 6:08 PM, Brad wrote:
I have a bottle of Paul Masson Crackling Rose from 1968,
could you possibly tell me the value of it? Its in pretty good
condition....
Brad
|
#60 SANCERRE QUESTION
Gee, would having the name of the winemaker or domaine be asking too much?
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